not weight loss related.
so today started ok. snow is always calming like I mentioned earlier... however my children didn't seem to realized that you are supposed to enjoy a day like this and not make mommy crazy. My oldest was bouncing from the second she woke up about being able to go outside. She was out there by 830. However by 1 she was screaming that she wanted to go back out. Add this to a teething, screaming baby and you have one uphappy mommy. All 3 of us went outside and things were calm again for a few minutes. Then I noticed the cat loose on the porch, still no idea how she got out. Chaos. Days like today make me wonder if I am really helping my children by staying home with them instead of working... I weight the pros and cons of going back to work constantly. I can't get my husband to tell me what he thinks about it because he doesn't want to push me either way and then have me hate him for it. Understandable I guess... I don't want someone else raising my kids.. I'm lucky enough to have the ability to stay with them and I would like to. Sometimes I wonder if they would be better spending the day with kids their own age though. I also wonder if I would be better off being with people closer to my own age during the day too haha. It would get me out of the house and also pad our savings account which would always be a plus. Maybe get those stupid student loans paid down a little farther.

snow :)
we got a ton of snow over night :) looooving it!! My oldest is out playing in it already this morning since I was not driving to preschool. She's out there alone which makes me sad. She wants me to come out and play but I can't take the baby out. She needs a friend. She has an imaginary one, which makes me all the sadder. I really wish I could be out there. This is my favorite kind of weather! The snow is PERFECT for snowballs and snowmen. Whenever my husband and I were dating and it would snow we would take long midnight strolls throughout campus. Somehow we would always end up down at the football field. Snow always makes me remember falling in love with him :)

I signed my oldest of for kindergarten yesterday. Uuuughs she's growing up too fast! So my big failure yesterday came after signing her up. I decided to take her out to lunch to celebrate. We ended up at DQ. Hamburger, french fries, and mountain dew, all followed up by a medium blizzard. I was so disappointed with myself I felt sick. I skipped dinner because of lunch. Then snacked on some veggie chips while playing cards with my husband later that night.

So yesterday:

Yoplait yogurt
hamberuger and fries
med blizzard
veggie crisps

lemon water, skim milk, v8 fusion, and mountain dew (slightly more than yesterday but still less than a liter in 2 days)

My husband and I are the process of buying an old school used elliptical from someone on craigslist. We just need to go pick it up now. I made sure it was inexpensive and also folds to store. It doesn't need to be big and fancy just something to get us moving. Right now the most exercise I get is keeping the house up. My daughter kind of keeps me moving too. She likes playing my wii fit games, so we will do that together a couple times a week. I love the winter but I kind want nicer weather so I can get outside and take walks and go to the park again. Summer seems like it's easier to loose weight than the winter haha.

I can honestly say I can feel more energy just from dropping the fries in the morning and drinking more water. It gives me more get up and go to do things around the house and chase my oldest around. It's amazing that a small change can have an impact like that. It kind of gives me more motivation to keep this going which is great :)

changes are hard
So I am slowly working on changing my eating habits. I have been able to stick with yogurt for breakfast. Yesterday I limited myself to 2 glasses of soda, which resulted in a wonderful headache. I am going to just tough it out through the head aches and keep trying to lower the amount I drink. I know there will be setbacks. My husband just thinks I should keep it out of the house. I can't do that. It's more comforting to know it's here and that I am making the decision not to drink it. If it's not in the house I start going kind of crazy haha. To try and drink more water (which I HATE) I tried making homemade lemonade with my oldest. It was something fun for us to do together. I severely cut back on the amount of sugar that should be in it so really it's like lemon flavored water. I did have about 3 large glasses of that yesterday. 2 smaller glasses of soda. 2 glasses of v8 fusion. and one glass of skim milk with dinner.

So all the food I consumed yesterday:

Breakfast: yoplait whip yogurt

Lunch: plate of french fries :( fail.

snack: 12 saltine crackers. I can't decided if this is terrible. There are worse things. But I am addicted to carbs and salt.

Dinner: whole grain pasta and homemade meatballs.

Snack: bowl of ice cream

Snacking has never been a real big problem for me. It's more that I just eat terrible things. If I could have cut out the fries yesterday I would have felt much more accomplished in trying to eat better. This isn't really about dieting and loosing weight for me as much as it is just getting healthy.

I decided I am going to do Friday weigh ins. So I weighed myself this morning to have something to compare Friday to. 237.. uuuugh. I just want to drop that 2 soooo badly.

New week. New goals
Sunday was the polar opposite of Saturday. I feel like stress and anxiety sometimes work together to keep me from being healthy and happy. As much as I want to journal about weight loss, it's also about trying to reduce stress. This means I am going to ramble and rant on and on about life sometimes. For me weight loss is going to start when I can deal with stress much better than I am now. Thankfully my anger at my husband yesterday sent me on a cleaning spree. So while there was no work out period yesterday, I did clean and scrub my house from top to bottom. That's got to burn a few calories haha.

As I mentioned in my last post my husband went out with his friends Saturday night. I can't sleep when he's not home. He didn't get back til 4am. Then proceeded to sleep most of the day Sunday. I got to clean and take care of the kids while he slept. I like weekends. I feel like they are my refresh button. I get some help around the house and to spend some quality time with my husband. Sunday did not have the calming effect on me that it usually does. Me being angry with him made me stressed out when dealing with my oldest which isn't fair. However today is the start of a new week. So far today has been good. I did end up getting up at 330 when my oldest had a bad dream and then 600 with the baby who decided to get up early this morning. So by 700 I was up and showered and ready for the day. Usually I don't have to wake up til 8. I guess sleep is something I can live without this weekend :)

So a little background on my struggles with weight. In highschool I weighed 140 pounds. Looking back on it now I would kill that be that weight again. My friends however made me feel like I was much more overweight than I was. I didn't have the best group of friends in HS. I keep in close contact with about 3 of them. Freshman year of college I of course gained the required 15 pounds. Sophomore year in college I stayed about the same. Looking back on pictures I really didn't look terrible like I felt. The worst came when I took a year off of school. I had no friends and no life. I had no clue what I wanted to do. Then I started dating my husband and soon after I got pregnant. By the time I got pregnant I was 220lbs. It's now 5 years later and I am 240lbs with 2 kids. I would like to get back to my high school weight but I think that's a little unreasonable. I want to set an achievable goal for myself. If by the end of the year I could be down to under 200 I would be happy.

I see commercials all the time for diet pills and weight loss plans. I am always skeptical about them. I tried a diet pill once. I can't remember the name of the pill but it came in a blue bottle. I didn't like the way I felt when I took it. My heart would race and I would get jittery. Doing this naturally would be nice. I think I just need to learn healthy eating habits. The past 3 days I feel like I have been doing better. I am trying to make more conscious decisions about what I am eating. Yogurt for breakfast has me feeling better throughout the morning. Just not as filled. So I mentioned before that I am an EXTREMELY picky eater. I don't eat vegetables, at all. A couple years ago I was trying to get healthy and I would make strawberry/kale smoothies. I couldn't taste the greens at all but I got sick of strawberries fast. I over did it. A smoothie a day for like a month. Waaay too much. I have started drinking v8 fusion, 2 glasses a day, in hopes of getting some nutrients I am missing out on. I also take a multivitamin.

I really want to be able to give up soda. I just don't see it happening. My husband gave it up. His friend lost 30lbs when he gave up soda, so he thought he could too. It didn't happen but he did give up caffeine for the most part so he's healthier. He was drinking 2 energy drinks a day. I just love my mountain dew and when I have tried giving it up it resulted in terrible head aches. I don't think I drink too much of it..maybe. I can make a 2 liter last 2-3 days, unless I am really stressed or tired. I have never finished a 2 liter in one day which is positive news haha.

Ok so things I have seen others put on weight loss blogs:

starting weight: 240
height: 5'2"

lowest weight: 140
goal:180..which still isn't where I want to be but is a great improvement.

you know that wonderful time of day....
you know that wonderful time of day when you get all the kids tucked in and quiet for the night? My favorite part of the day. The house is quiet. Everyone is calm. I can breathe.

Despite my stress this morning, today actually turned out to be a pretty great day. My husband took our oldest to sign up for t ball. then we had a nice family lunch together and then played a bunch of games. we spent about 3 hours playing games this afternoon as a family and it was wonderful :) I really wish we had more moments like that. After games my husband left for his night out and me and the kids rented some movies and got a pizza for dinner. Now both kids are bathed and dreaming. It's now my turn to watch a grown up movie and relax.
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day 1
Ok so far today I have been working on a few things that have been weighing me down lately. On a positive note, I skipped the plate of french fries for breakfast. That is not sarcasm. It's my usual breakfast. I have this addiction to carbs that I cannot win. I was reading online once that a strong pull to carbs is the bodies way of trying to fight depression. Carbs can apparently release serotonin. In any case, I had a yogurt for breakfast. Now starting the day off with a plate of fries means that I don't eat lunch. Also apparently not a good thing for dieting. So now that I started with yogurt I have to find some lunch that isn't terrible, yet something that it on the approved list for my taste buds.
I think my husband is also a huge part of my stress. He's the only one I have to really talk to, so unless I want to start a fight I can't exactly vent to him ABOUT him. He's going out tonight. I was aware of this a few days ago. I am fine with it. However this morning he tells me he's leaving at 230 to start pregaming at a friends before a group of them go out. Normally not an issue. I have been battling a cold the past few days, add that to a teething child and its not fun. This happened yesterday too. I had been complaining to him all day about how sick I felt and the terrible headache I had then he decided to work some overtime hours. I just want to feel like I am a priority for him. Not just a housekeeper and nanny. I know he loves me. I never doubt it for a second. He was just brought up with less than stellar parents and I feel like he just never really learned how to be a husband. He works so much and I miss having him here. Without him working at this job I would never be able to stay home with our kids. It's like it's impossible to win when it comes to his job. He has to have it and it's a good job. We're extremely luck that he has such a good job. I understand this. I just want to spend more time with him. I get jealous that he also has a life outside of work. I don't. I moved away from my family so he could have this job. I know no one in this area. We have been here for almost 3 years. He always says that I am free to go out, that he's not keeping me here. I know it's true but where am I supposed to go? and with who? Once a month or so (usually longer) we go up to visit my family which is nice. Then there are the times a close friend of mine from high school will meet up with me and we'll do something. I feel like I can't stop talking when we do go out. It's adult conversation that I don't have to sensor anything on! When we visit my family I feel like I can't complain to my mom about my husband. I don't know why. I just want her to believe that I made the right decision and that my life is wonderful. I don't doubt I made the right decision and I do like the life I have so I don't know why I want to sugar coat it for my family.
It's only 11am and I can start listing the things that have got me down today. Ha ha! I smile and press on through the day.
Here's to good and healthy decisions throughout the rest of the day and to making it through another day without my husband here.

Lets give this a shot...
Lately I have been feeling like I have been under an insane amount of stress. The weight of it all has really got me down. I have what would seem like the perfect life. Married to a good guy. Stay at home mom to two amazing kids. We seem to have it all, right down to the family cat. I can't pinpoint where all the stress comes from or why it seems to bother me more than any normal person. I am trying this journal for a bunch of reasons. I want an outlet- being a stay at home mom means little or no adult contact for the majority of my day. I have no one to talk to. No one to voice concerns and fears to. I used to journal back when I was a teenager and it did seem to help take some of the edge off. I just need an outlet. To spew out all of the things that are clouding my head. I have also found it easier to take an objective view on a situation when I can see it all laid out in front of me.
So lets start with the big ticket items that are weighing me down. I feel like a failure as a mother right now. This stress has me not wanting to do much with my children. Now don't go calling CYS or anything. It just means that I don't sit down and play games as much as I used to. My children are well cared for- I just always feel like I should be doing more for them. I guess that's just the "mom" in me. I love my children to death and would do anything in the world for them. I just need a break from them sometimes. I tried explaining it to a friend the other night- I need to be able to miss them. I get maybe one night a month away from my house without kids, and it's usually to go grocery shopping. I have found myself over analyzing the ridiculousness of children's programming.
The next big thing is getting healthy. I am overweight-who really isn't in this land of obesity? I really think that if I could force myself to eat healthy and exercise a little it would go a long way to making me feel better in the long run. But when you wake up already feeling the stress of the day on your shoulders, finding the motivation to even choose an apple over french fries can be hard. I have a problem when it comes to eating. I always have. My parents tried everything when I was younger to get me to eat new foods. Nothing ever worked. I have the diet of a 4 year old. I cannot try new foods. I make myself sick over it. It's some sort of mental block that I have never been able to work out. It's terribly embarrassing when I go places. Friends and family joke about it, but it's my own personal hell that I cannot escape.

I can't tell if this journal thing is going to work or not. I have barely started ranting and letting the emotions flow and already am worn out with a head ache. I want to turn my life around. I want to use this blog as a way of looking back on my failures and celebrating my achievements.

Tomorrow is a new day.


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